Master of disguise

These faces, these many faces were created when she was young. She curated them with such precision, picking just the right one depending on the circumstance and the environment. It was never about deceit or manipulation but simply a survival mechanism that she had learned to hone and perfect so that she could avoid the toxic effluent that schoolgirls can be so expert at flinging. So that she could be the dutiful daughter or the brilliant student, the obliging friend. So that she could fight this unsettling feeling that followed her wherever she went; she never really fit in anywhere because she was the missing piece from a puzzle that she would never find.

Years later, when she looks back on her life she will realise that she never really had the chance to just live. She had never learnt, and never been taught, to shrug off her imperfections and say ‘well stuff them if they don’t like me’. She never really knew how to take off these faces, these masks, and smash them to the ground, obliterating them into so many, tiny, little pieces, so that only one true face was left and she could just be herself.

Five under £5 for December

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I love a bargain, I really do. I’ve often wondered if it’s a trait that is innate in us Asians, I know my Ma is pretty good at haggling and sniffing out a bargain. Perhaps there’s a gene for it and some of us have it and some of us don’t. Well, whatever the reason, when I saw that Julia from Rainbeaubelle was doing a link up for her Five under £5 posts I got more than a little bit excited and so here are my Five under £5 for December.

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Safari animal figures from B&M, £2.99 for a tub of 48 animals. Snr Son is going to be 6 in a couple of weeks so the obligatory bouncy castle party at the local leisure centre has been booked. Next year he might want something a bit different so I figured we should go for the easy option while we can (Husb and I are exhausted thanks to Jnr Son’s night-time partying). These animals are perfect to pop into party bags, they’re well made, our boys love playing with them and at that price we can pop a few in each bag.

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Christmas tree wrapping paper, £2.00 from Sainsburys, also included in their 3 for 2 offer. I couldn’t help but include some Christmassy items in my five. I spent a good eight years of my working life in retail marketing and we would start reviewing the Christmas campaign just gone and planning for the next one in February so by the time December came I was sick of it! I have to say it sucked the joy of Christmas out of me. But I haven’t worked in retail for some time now and I actually get excited about Christmas, which is lucky because now I have two boys and it wouldn’t do to have the Grinch for a Mama!  I’m a sucker for silver, and I particularly love the simplicity of this paper – silver mini christmas trees on snowy white paper. Perfect for those pressies under the tree.

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This hot chocolate glass from Homebase was originally £2.99 but is now £1.50 and I got a set of four. I share a love of mulled wine and Baileys coffees (and handbags!) with my Step-Mother-in-Law and it’s part of our Christmas gift to her. I searched far and wide for glasses that weren’t too top heavy and had lost hope of finding what I had in mind. I was thrilled to find these as they are so much prettier than the others I had found, so it doesn’t look like I’ve just stolen them from Costa!

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Willie’s Cacao Milk of the Gods chocolate £1.90 from Waitrose. One of my old friends from university has just had her first baby so I thought I’d put a little care package together for her. The first few months are so exhausting (and at times terrifying!) and it can be really tough. Of course, all the gifts for the baby are welcome and appreciated but it’s nice to be reminded that you’re doing a great job. I’ve popped some little treats in the box to remind my friend to be kind to herself and to take a break when she can. Teas, hot chocolate, some nice smellys and this divine chocolate. It’s so delicious and I admit I have just a small addiction to it.

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Fox lavender bag £1.50 The Original Factory Shop. I bought one of these sweet foxes for my AutumnTimeSurpriseProject partner and I loved it so much I went and treated myself to one, it does also double up as a decoration for the tree. Well, sometimes you just have to treat yourself don’t you?!

So that’s my Five under £5 for December, I’ve really enjoyed taking part so thank you Julia for organising it x

How ’bout me enjoying the moment for once

I used to hide the fact that I suffer from depression because, quite simply, I was ashamed. I thought my loved ones would see me as broken or different or worse still, mad. I became quite the expert at hiding it because I feared the GP would force me to go on medication that I would become dependent on.

I used all sorts of methods to keep people from finding out the truth; misdirection, feigned illness and at times even subterfuge. It was utterly exhausting and once in a while, when life felt a little fractured and I’d had a few too many drinks, I’d let my guard down and some of the darkness would seep out. When that happened my poor unsuspecting friends would have to peel me off the floor and help me home while I sobbed about something or another. The next day I would frantically make excuses for the episode – stress at work or love life issues. Whatever. Anything but the admit the truth.

Over the years I’ve come to realise that depression really isn’t a dirty word. It’s an illness and it’s nothing to be ashamed of or to feel guilty about. These days I talk to my friends and family about it more openly and honestly and I’ve managed so far, with the help of my GP and an excellent counsellor, to keep the black dog at bay without needing to go on medication. This is a personal choice because I know myself well enough to know that, for me, it would be a bad idea. For some people it is a necessity and only you and your GP can decide what the best course of treatment is for you and your situation.

But this year has been particularly tough for me for various reasons and I’ve felt myself slipping again. I feel as though I’ve had more instances of depression this year than any other time, but despite knowing I needed help I kept putting it off and trying to hide it mostly because we’ve moved and I have a new GP  and I was scared. But when I looked at my boys’ faces I realised that I didn’t want their lasting memories of me to be that I was always sad. And I certainly didn’t want them to think that they had anything to do with that. So I bit the bullet and to my happy surprise my new GP listened and reassured and I feel much better for talking to him.

I now have a bit of a plan of how to get myself back on track. I’m going to try Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and although I’ve always relied on writing as a therapy, I’ve decided to also try mindfulness and gratitude. Now trying to get ten, quiet minutes to myself in the morning with two boys under the age of six haring around the house is nigh on impossible, but I have high hopes! I’ve also started yoga again…baby steps, it’s all about the baby steps!

As for the gratitude I’ve realised that it really is a powerful thing. It can help to kick start a positive frame of mind and that is something I need help with at times. Last week on Pause for Thought on Chris Evans’ Radio 2 show I heard a wonderful quote, ‘wear gratitude like a cloak and it will feed every corner of your life’, and I haven’t stopped thinking about it.

So, every day I’m going to try and note one thing I’m grateful for. And so to start; I’m really grateful for friends. I’m always grateful for my old friends but right now I’m particularly grateful for new friends who listen to you, drink copious amounts of coffee (and sometimes wine!) with you and who make you feel like less of a plonker at the school gates!

Do you keep a gratitude journal? Do you do it every day? Do you find it helps you and if so how?

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Books with my boys – The Snowy Day (Ezra Jack Keats)

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I’ve been coveting this book for years now so imagine my delight (and the squeal which escaped from me) when I found it in a charity shop for the princely sum of 20p!

I’ve read this to both of my boys a few times now but Snr Son decided he wanted to read it to me today. He’s in year 2 now and his reading is coming along so well and I’m really keen to encourage his (and Jnr Son’s) already firm love of books.image
Peter wakes up one morning to find that it has snowed.image
He gets his snow gear on and goes out on a little adventure. His feet crunching through the snow as he makes tracks and patterns. image

Peter finds a stick to play with and ends up with snow on his head!imageimage
His little adventure continues, he sees some older boys but decides not to join in with their snowball fight and instead makes a snowman and snow angels. image
He pops a snowball in his pocket for tomorrow and then he goes home to his mum who gives him a lovely bath. Of course when he checks his snowball at bedtime it has melted and he’s sad. But all’s not lost because tomorrow is a new day with fresh snow!

This book was written in 1962 and was ‘awarded the Caldecott Medal by the American Library Association for being the most distinguished picture book for children in its year of publication’.  Despite its age I think the endearing illustrations and the story itself have helped it to remain a favourite with so many kids and parents around the world. It taps into that child-like excitement of seeing snow blanketing the world we know, and it does it so well. It’s definitely a firm favourite in our house anyway.

Which books about weather do you and your kids like to read? Do they capture the excitement of the moment or do they conjure up different reactions/emotions? Do you have any favourites from your childhood?